Is humanity at an all time low?

No. I am not talking about heartless doctors who have made their profession a business venture. Not about engineers who have sold their degree for cash and not even about other so called educated professionals involved in trading their skills, position and credentials. The whole world is mad about money and there seems to be little room for so many other things and it hits us hard only at retirement. But this blog is about day to day activities by individuals, who are part of this community, possibly outside their monetary world but not entirely disconnected from money.

Is humanity at an all time low? It is a no-brainer, many might say. And I will not mistake them. Things I have experienced led me to this question and here are a few snippets...

Incident 1 - A group of us were visiting a nearby city. We were inside the airport premises and it was around noon. We were trying to figure a way out of the detours when we almost hit a 'dead end' because of construction and stuff. And then we noticed a car 'parked' at the end of the road. On first notice, there was nothing off about the car. It looked parked with its tires turned to the right. No visible damages or scratches, no tire marks on the road, nothing suspicious around the car either. So, everything 'normal' but for its front door being ajar and most disturbingly we could see a forearm hanging 'lifeless' out of that door. A picturesque moment that we all would have seen a 100 times in moives and TV. What happened? Who is (s)he? If not for my friends, I would have walked straight to the car to check out the status. When I suggested this, one of my friends immediately said "No, wait. Let's call 911". Before I could argue or even think of why we should be afraid, whether it is a trap for 'innocent' people and several other possibilities, the 'lifeless' hand moved as a pigeon approached the door. As my friends gasped with a mixture of fear and shock, my thought process got broken. We laughed at ourselves after realizing that the guy was just bird feeding. As we drove back, I asked myself this question again..

There has been a disturbing and decreasing tendency to help directly and leave it to others. Psychological experiments have proved this bystander effect as early as 1968. And it is always a pleasant surprise when I read news like this and bravery awards in India.There was nothing wrong in what my friend did that day. My friend was genuinely concerned about our safety first. Then come other aspects.  Though the fact that there are people who exploit the gullibility and good nature of people to their benefit was not shocking, the consequences were disturbing for me. In broad daylight, close to the airport we had to hesitate to help! Some might call it defensive, some precautionary and some even cowardice. Whatever be the name it is an attitude that is increasingly common. What gives me hope is it is still not 'indifferent'. There is still a reaction.
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Incident II - Today's business world. Having done an MBA and being on the management side, I will be kidding myself if I think of ethics and fairness in business. They are blinded by just one word - 'profits' and all else take a back seat. Yet there were two contrasting episodes I witnessed. There used to be a restaurant called 'Mysore woodlands' in Rochester one of the many Indian restaurants. Overnight they shut down their operations. When I sought answers, I heard that a new Indian restaurant 'Haveli' had bought the chef(s) of Mysore Woodlands. The chef did not even have the courtesy to give his previous employer a notice and when the chef did not turn up for work on a 'fine' morning the owner realized the bitter truth. Forget the inventory and food that went waste because of the sudden shut down of a decently big hotel. It was the way things were done that irked me. Personally I have stopped going to Haveli ever since but everybody seems to see only the large picture. In the long run things will be ok.. Sigh... I contrast it with another incident where my friend and I were searching for a phone. The AT&T shop did not have the model my friend was looking for. After spending a few itchy moments on what is the best way forward and when he almost decided to go for a 'sub-optimal' phone, the AT&T guy referred us to Best Buy which was a store just opposite and my friend got his phone there. Let us pause here. It is likely that by selling a contract to us, the AT&T store and the employee would have earned some commission however small it might be. Yet, he chose to ignore that and acted in our interest. It could be argued that referrals mean a lot in business and he could have acted 'long term'. Yet, his gesture was heartening. So, is there still hope?

There are a number of other incidents I can keep adding. From corruption, international politics, women being ill-treated both in public and within four walls of their house. There is just chaos that I see around us. And mind you not everything has money as the root-cause.

Should we help physically challenged people? A doubt I have always had. Every time I want to help, out comes a flood of thoughts. Is the person already feeling helpless and dejected and warrants help? Or, by means of helping, am I condescending and making the person feel worse? Maybe by ignoring my urge to help, the physically challenged person will overcome the problem and feel happy that (s)he 'conquered' his/her difficulty without others' help. May be by helping, (s)he will feel that after all somebody is out there to help in need. The area remains grey till date. In fact I have heard that the biggest compliment we could give them is to treat them as our equals and show no pity. It is the pity that hurts them most as it reinforces the fact that they are different.

Perhaps, the answer to most of the above is - 'ethics' gets different dimensions and perspectives with time. If your reference point is different then things will appear different. But alas, I thought morality is different than ethics and morality is based on common sense.. Oh yes, I am wrong.. I will stop my ranting by recalling this Gita quote I read recently

kāma eṣa krodha eṣa raja guṇa samudbhavaḥ
mahāśano mahāpāpmā viddhi enam iha vairiṇam 3.37
Desire, anger, and passionate qualities produce
The all-consuming and sinful foe: Known this.

The night escape or Was it?

(A fictional story adapted from my friend @rn@b K@r's narration of an actual incident but with a twist in the end. Read further to find what it is..)

It happened maybe 10 years before. It was a boarding school and I had been put there for 3 years now. A school that will supposedly teach the children discipline, independent living and social skills, among other things, that the parents think they cannot teach their kids themselves or have no time for it.

Teenage is a very tricky period in life. We always tend to do things that we are not supposed to do. The urge is even more when we receive specific instructions of what we should not do. Our ego takes another beating when they say some things are outside our boundaries. 'Seriously? I am sufficiently grown up to understand what is right and what is wrong. You don't have to teach me that. Stay away from drawing my boundaries' is what our rebellious side will want to say and 'As you please pa (ma)' will what most of us eventually end up saying revealing our obedient side for fear of punishments or expectation of rewards.

But, discipline, morality and honesty should all be defined when there is nobody to monitor. For, if there is someone watching over we tend to be actors and never ourselves. So, boarding schools somehow is believed to inculcate discipline in students when what it may actually be doing is produce actors who may continue to act as the situation demands.

Yet 10 years before, I did not think of all these. It all happened in one night, a span of few hours to be more particular but the seeds were laid days in advance. The preparations had to be precise. The kids were up against watchful adults and the thought was "There is no way we must be caught by them, Our details have to be by the minute".

The task was relatively simple. Two of the seniors plan on watching an evening show of Devdas and return to the school. But the challenges were many. Students were not supposed to be outside the school premises without prior permission (and there is no way a permission will be given for watching a movie), students have to be present for a roll call that happens around 10 PM every night, the movie was 3 hours long and the show does not end before 9:45 PM, the theater is about 3 kms from the boarding school and last but not the least there will be guards watching the fence.

As I said, the preparations must have begun days before. Tables became unusually crowded during lunch and other meals and will fall into silence or meaningless cooked up fights when authorities walk by. The best place for gathering information is the mess, be it for the kids or the adults in corporate offices. "We must show them that their rules are useless", quipped one. "Show them what we are capable of" purred another. "Nasty rascals, are we? Show them .." I saw a  security entering the mess and closing on the group.. "Sachin .. Oh Man, he is unbelievable", exclaimed one, presumably the watcher, and quickly diverted everyone. "Is Sachin going to help you in studies? Eat fast and all of you get back to your homework! Dirty brats!" yelled the security, unsuccessfully trying to expend a few fat calories by yelling, before heading to get his plate full. Though I was not part of the gang, my trained ears picked their conversation.

The thought was brewing. The team grew in number, drawing shocking 'What's first' from the new members before it drew more 'Aha's.

I heard that there were teams appointed to distract security at various points. A survey was conducted to see which security and how many of them guard each side of the fence and at what times. Somehow it was found out that there was only one security on the northern fence around 6 PM. A quick mapping told me that the northern gate is 3.5 kms from the theater (vs 3) but is less risky to handle with just one security.

The plan was taking shape... The D-day arrived. The seniors got ready. They had bag packs! Maybe snacks for the movie? A team of two started digging the lawn in a corner of our dormitory. They panicked when the security saw them, tried their best to hide and close the pit as the security approached them. They tried to hold their position without any chaos and engaged the security for no less than 5 mins. After a while they finally revealed that one of them was trying to plant their teeth based on the belief of his friend's grandmother. When demanded they frenetically searched for the (non-existent) tooth on the ground wasting more time. The key here was to find a boy who had recently lost a tooth and there was one! During this drama the seniors had reached the fence without any fuss. Added to this, maybe just in case the plan failed, there was a second team on standby which was prepared to burn scrap papers and presumably when caught later would reveal that they were burning test papers with poor scores. Surely, both plans would not fail at the same time.

Now for the way back from the escapade. There were twin advantages here. The cover of darkness and the cover of tall grass. But the grass being dry they will definitely hurt themselves if they try to crawl. So, they had come up with the list of things to be backpacked. A mosquito net to cover the head and face, an old pair of socks to cover the hands to help in crawling, what else but faded jeans and a hooded dark full sleeve sweatshirt. All obviously dark colors to help in camouflaging. The security usually sat on a single table and played cards and it wasn't too difficult to evade them in the night. Their choice of the table (one in each of the three dorms) was random but it was signaled to the seniors at the last moment by means of a torch light, so that they could avoid that direction.

The roll call usually happens sharp at 10 and there were plans in place to cover the just in case possibility of the escapade delays. The first one was proxy. The dorm was pretty big and allowed for this but could be very risky if the warden catches the proxies sneaking. The second was of course the bathroom cum stomach upset reason. So, the bathrooms were locked from the inside (they were open at the top you see) with taps open. Making a proxy sleep was another loose plan and there were many other not so tight and random plans. The plans themselves were not fool proof but designed to create confusion to delay the roll call and increase the time for seniors just in case. But, in the end they crawled their way to safety and made it just in time.

Despite their best efforts I could see bruises on their hands and some mud spots on their pants, perhaps they did not have time to change. But I could see the relief mixed with fear in their faces. I glanced at them once again after the roll call. A sense of accomplishment now was running through their face, their entire body language had lifted up. The dorm that night celebrated the success. Hardly anyone must have slept after the roll call. The movie description, the murmurs, the tooth fairy stories, the dog chase, the auto fight, the stories would have continued as the night rolled on....        

  

As a warden, I could at least let these kids enjoy their small but significant achievement! What say?

Perhaps the 'greatest' person I had lived with

Kalyani Narasimhan - (~) Oct 15, 1937 - Jan 28, 2012
She is fittingly my grand mother (referred as 'paatti' from now on). The grandest and greatest person to me, one step higher than even my immediate family members and I dedicate this blog to her as a simple token of all that she has done to me.

She told me that I was named Ram/Sriram as I was born when she was doing Rama japam. I was told that I was only two when my parents left me with my paatti when they had planned the holy trip to Kasi. So, my special attachment to her had begun even before I had any idea of who she is.

Born in the pre-independence era, I don't even need to investigate how 'wealthy' her family was. Hers was a family of at least 7. She had two elder sisters and two younger brothers. Her mother (Manga), whom I have the honor of seeing and interacting, it seems, had just one saree and after taking bath and washing the saree, used to dry one end while the other end drapes her! Such was her mother's dedication to her family that despite their poverty one of their sons received good education and would be fairly well placed in the society when he grows up (the other brother sacrificed his own education for this!). A few lines had to be said about her eldest sister (Indra). She was a revolutionist and was decades ahead of her period. That she, by her own will, spent most of her life as 'single' with her parents after getting married speaks volumes. Amidst such siblings in the beautiful temple town of Navalpakkam my paatti grew up. She was beautiful at 60, my earliest memories of her started a couple of years before that, and I can only imagine how beautiful she must have been when she was young! Thanks to the unpopularity of photography in her era, I am free to imagine a beautiful damsel.  

I am not sure how educated she was. She could read and write a little, so must have definitely gone to mid school at the very least. But that says nothing about how sharp her mind was. She could crunch some numbers in her mind. One such repeated instance was the calculation of days. For example, if one wants to see what day of the week will be the 10th day from today. Her calculation goes like this "Innikku veLLi, veLLioda veLLi ettu, sani, gnayiru, gnayithu kizhamai di" (Today is Friday, from Friday to Friday is 8, Sat, Sun, Hey it is Sunday). I am sure many people with a masters will need a calendar to check this. And oh yes, she was half a civil engineer too! Drawing from her enormous experiences overseeing construction of several homes, she could precisely talk about the placement of doors, windows and shelves, sand:cement proportion, height of wall, thickness of basement/pillars/shelves anything and everything related to it. Contrast it with today's generation where people go for interior designers and outsource even where to place their TV. She also had a very sharp memory. That she had memorized many shlokas (verses) merely by listening to her father chanting everyday is proof enough!

My paatti was also an excellent wife and seems like was a daughter-in-law(DIL) par excellence. I am told that in those days (why, even now) it was extremely rare for a mother-in-law (MIL) to praise her DIL and my paatti got  her MIL's praise whole heartedly, so much so that when her MIL passed away she called upon her son and made him promise that he would take good care of her. I think one needs to reflect on this a little more. A mother imploring her son to take good care of his wife. Normally, you would expect the request to be the other way. So much was her love for her DIL and that impressive must have been my paatti.

Her role as a wife was the most admirable and enigmatic. Let us put things in perspective. She was the wife of a cop (my grand father retired as inspector of police) and there was nothing soft that she could expect of him and his job. Transfers were not only frequent but were also on short notice. There were times she had to move overnight. She must have been a teenager when she was married to and to plan your household things so that you are ever ready to move is commendable! Ikea would have loved to interact with her. She had three children and so ridiculous were the places that they went and stayed, that she had put many all-nighters just to ensure her children slept safely, for they had some uninvited creeping guests in the form of scorpions and snakes! Add to it was the shielding job she had to do, shielding her children from their father's brunt and brute. Yet, my grandfather listened to my paatti's words and somehow he never used to bypass what she said. Their understanding and marriage life was beyond my understanding.

Three children became two quite early, adding to her emotional burden. It is to her credit that she remained strong even after this traumatic phase. Realizing that the transfers were taking a heavy toll on her son's education, she was wise enough to figure out that it was not in the best interest of her son, if he keeps moving with them. So, she sent her eldest son to his grandmother/uncle's place, so that he could study uninterrupted. So after begetting three gems she was content with watching over just one. In retrospect, leaving her son with her mother proved to be a master move.

My earliest memories of my paatti were our weekend visits to her place. There are only two places where I loved the food. One was at home and the other was at my paatti's. Oh my! Her dishes are beyond description here. Every dish had chosen, freshly ground spices making the dish rich in aroma and taste. Even as I write, I just cannot avoid drooling! How lucky my grand father must be. Three times a day, every day! Lucky chap! My unconscious love started taking shape. Visits to her village town (Thiruvahindhipuram) were always memorable. We played daya kattai (dice), kallangai (stones) and many many more, enjoyable and fun filled times those were!

First year engineering. My parents decided to put me in hostel and my grand parents disagreed and asked me to come over. So, at the age of 65, sixty five, my paatti had to turn back her clock. Thanks to the system of locating colleges in the outskirts and the mad rush to avoid traffic, college buses used to depart as early as 7 AM. And there she was, my paatti at the age of 65, meticulous in preparing my morning meal AND making sure I had something packed for lunch! Now, performing half of what she used to do, I still find it difficult to catch a bus at 10 AM and more often than not miss the 10 AM too. But, my paatti's record was clean. Not once was she late and not once did I have to miss my bus! Perhaps, there is a thing or two I have to learn from her planning and preparedness. 

One year was a gift to me to be with a person I admired. I watched her closely. I went through live, one of her worst few minutes when her own brother had an emotional outburst that would haunt her for a few months. During this one year, I could roughly paint her past years in my mind. I nick named her 'cha cha' initialed for chamathu chakravarthy (supreme king of smartness). We went for walking together sharing stories, went shopping together - competing on whose bargaining power is bigger, went to temple together (till date her only relaxing task), secretly washed cooking vessels (for she would admonish me if she sees me). Her home (especially back in their village Thiruvahindipuram) was always open to guests. All one time guests who would come, use up space, have her hot coffee and delicious meals and would part just like that. Yes, it is fair to say she allowed some leeches to feed on her and had no qualms about it. Such was her altruism and the inclination to help without expecting anything in return.

She had a humorous side too. Her scoldings for instance. Oh yes, such a gentle soul she was that even when she scolds, it will actually be funny. Here goes some of her frequently used words when we were mischievous "badava rascal" (not to be taken literally :P), "thaliya thattan pannan" (the goldsmith made the mangal sutra - no idea what it means :P) "motta badava" (tonsured fellow).

She was the one to whom my mother, uncle, her siblings and many relatives and random friends shared some of their joy and successes and many of their problems and misgivings for others. Sometimes over phone, that will last for hours, and sometimes in person. In short, she was their pressure reliever or more particularly she was a 'never really full vessel' in which people used to pour out all their emotions. More often than not, she was expected to be a passive listener, because if she suggests something the other party will not be in the right mood to listen to it.  She was a survivor once. Second time around she did not want to bear it, not that she could not, she did not want to. It is fair to say that she has gone through hell on earth, yet made it a heaven when she was with others. May Sriman Narayanan give her a place close to Him.

I will conclude with the five best things I like about her:

* Her shyness when I pull her leg (especially of her beauty)
* Her karacha maavu dosa (She makes it paper thin!)
* Her appalam kozhambhu
* Her kesari
* Her ability to digest all feelings and go about her task as if nothing had happened!

P.S. - The space between grand and mother(/father) is intentional.