Of trust, hope and our relationships

we have somehow managed to make happiness an exogenous factor. It is no longer derived within us. The source now seems to be external.  



We definitely seem to live in some tumultuous times. Almost every relationship is questioned. And we question, at the drop of a hat. We show artificial emotions, hide our real emotions and along with it a bit of ourselves. We only reveal a glimpse of ours and engage others in a guessing game while we play the same game with others. And when our guesses turn out to be wrong, we are disappointed, heartbroken and sometimes even enraged. Our beliefs (which are guesses in the first place) based on loose principles, becomes murkier at the slightest disturbance. We are tired of proving ourselves, but never tired of asking questions and casting doubts. And these questions are loaded with bias. We ask questions not to clarify but because we are hurt and our trust has been shaken.We have lost the ability to trust and judge and with it has gone the ability to conduct ourselves as who we actually are. Because of the fear of getting cheated by others, we take solace in misguiding others by our actions, by cheating others. So, we ended up with this. We tend to live a life that is good in others' eyes and it doesn't seem to matter how it actually is to us.

We need mother's day and father's day to show (or prove) that we actually care about our parents. We seem to need pictures of 'glorious' times, not for us to cherish our memories, but rather proof to the outside world that we are happy and enjoying. Now, don't get me wrong here. I am not questioning the process of uploading pics (such as in facebook), nor do I have the right to question what others opt to do. But rather, I am sympathizing with our need for a positive reinforcement from others. In other words, we tend to be happy only after we are sure that others seeing us / 'following' us believe that we are happy. We have somehow managed to make happiness an exogenous factor. It is no longer derived within us. The source now seems to be external. We need an approval to be happy!  

The other major development in this world has been the focus on relationships. If you bag the important relationships we care about in this world, only a few in the bag are related by blood. A majority of them are friends. We seem to have moved away from our 'other' blood relations both physically and emotionally. To evaluate this, think of the time you spend with/for others (that is excluding self) in a month. A significant portion will be for your immediate family members (spouse and/or parents and/or children and/or siblings). These are the few in your bag of important relationships that are related by blood. Now out of the remaining portion another significant portion will be your friends. The last and the smallest pie is reserved for your 'other' blood relations.

I don't think anything is wrong with this kind of composition of our bag which has changed over years. It is just that the consequences are a little different than what it was years ago. The bond between you and your mother is intrinsically different from the bond between you and your best friend. While the former is like a covalent bond based out of sharing and internal in nature, the latter is like an ionic bond based out of transfer and extrinsic in nature. If the bond is strong enough, there is always a chance that it will mend itself to disturbances which come in the form of doubts, misgivings and mistrust. But most of our relationship bonds (be it blood or otherwise) seem to be too weak and are shattered by the simplest of agitation. Even as simple as a physical move-out reduces someone who was your best friend in that place to just a friend and pretty soon s/he disappears into oblivion. The transition is faster when it comes to other 'agitations'. Even in this advanced communication world, it is hard to find strong relationships and a majority seems to be artificial. We end up owning a bag of relationships that is heavy in number but meek in strength. What has happened? Why is the trust and hope so thin? Whose fault is it?

[A side note: English is a very funny language. There is not much difference between trust and hope when looked superficially. Both involve beliefs. 'A rose by any other name smells as sweet'. So rather than trying to find out what the words mean, let me interpret the words as I wish. Like a mathematician, you can flip the terms or call it what you want.]

While both trust and hope have an element of expectation in them, the timing of the expectation is, I believe, a little different. In hope, the expectation is in the future and somehow discards the present or gives less weight to the present. We hope that the weather will be alright in the next few days (even though it is worse now). We hope that the fight that we had with our mother today will not become a major issue and things will be alright tomorrow. We hope that our best friend will understand our actions and come back to greet us soon. And so on. Things might not be always alright today. But, we hope that it will be, in the (near) future. And for this hope to exist, the foundation for the relationship, at least, should not be weak. For if it is, we do not carry any hope.

In contrast, when we trust, the expectation is for now and ever, until it is shattered. We all trust that this world has something in store for us. A child trusts its mother on the food it gets. When we share our worst nightmares and fears with a close friend, we trust that s/he will understand us. We trust God that our present sorrow will soon disappear and good things await just around the corner. It may take years for us to develop this trust or a matter of minutes.  

Our relationships can survive only when both hope and trust are present. It becomes precarious when trust goes missing and evaporates when hope too fades. Our relationships are best tested and remembered when we are in a distress (A snippet from ThirukkuRal - "KEttinum undOr uRudhi kilainjarai neetti aLappadhOr kOL". There is a surety in calamity as it can act as a scale to measure friends). We don't call on our 'relations' if we don't trust that they can help. And we feel dejected, if we had hoped for their help and they fail to reciprocate. We think we deserve their help and attention, so much so that we take it for granted and then we are unable to digest the disappointment. And we give up on them easily.

I think we need to reverse the way we develop relationships. We need to ask questions first and then believe, not the other way around. Seek information before you develop trust. Let the trust be well earned. That way, doubts will not easily break it and even when the darkest clouds pass, there would be hope left. Doubts and relationships can never coexist. And doubts are sown and developed by us - both ways.

Spend time for others. May you even live a life for others. But try not to do something just because others would acknowledge and appreciate it. Let the true happiness arise within you and fill your lives.

In Plato's words “The man who makes everything that leads to happiness depends upon himself, and not upon other men, has adopted the very best plan for living happily." How true! But we don't need to have the best plans. Better plans will do. Feed on others' happiness. Just don't depend on others' approval. All the Best!

PS: The article was written over many days and took several shapes touching upon diverse thought processes going through my disturbed mind.. Maybe, I will write a prequel / sequel when the time comes.